One of the most frustrating struggles I have within myself is always feeling like I should be doing something more noble with my time. This is seriously getting in the way of my creativity and novel writing. Not only must I quiet that critical voice that tells me I can’t write worth a damn. But, I also have to deal with the voice that says I shouldn’t be writing novels in the first place. This voice feels I should be writing some type of “helpful” nonfiction versus frivolous fiction.
In attempting to reason with this judgmental part of myself, I remind it that reading novels was one of the things that saw me through a difficult childhood. Novels have been where I turned through the years when I needed a break from stressful jobs or relationships. Novels have provided me hours of enjoyment and comfort. However, the voice yammers on.
On top of being quite annoying, I think the voice is causing a low level depression because I am constantly dealing with this inner turmoil and cannot just enjoy writing my novel. I waste numerous hours going off on what-I-should-be-doing tangents instead of being productive with my writing time.
The final kicker is that the voice feels that, if I am going to insist on writing fiction then, I should be writing literary versus popular fiction. I prefer reading popular fiction most of the time and I prefer writing popular fiction. Therefore, writing literary fiction is not an option.
It seems that I must always make life more difficult for myself. It is a very irritating trait!
10 comments:
Dear Tamara,
That's got to be difficult to overcome. But...I believe we write what we need to write. And I don't believe that non-fiction that helps others is any more important than fiction. Further, I don't believe that literary fiction is more important than popular fiction.
What I do believe is that the act of writing is a leap of faith and a courageous act. Many people talk about writing; few do it.
Go with your vision, and feel good that you're brave enough to write!
Susan
Tamara you have such a gift with words. Do not listen to that voice that is trying to talk you out of the gift that God gave you! That voice is satan himself, and not worthy to hear! When he does speak to you remember to reject it! Out loud even. I have heard that same voice, it is not Gods voice, but just the opposite. God gave you the gift he will not want you to not use it.
You know the power of a book as you have already stated. Reading got me through childhood also and even now will get me through pain days! If you are able to help others just by other reading your books and disappearing into them so they forget sorrow, or pain, oh what a gift that is!
Hugs Tamara.
I can understand wrestling with a negative inner voice. You have to write what you feel is important to you. I hope you soon become comfortable knowing that and the nay-saying voice disappears.
Popular fiction can also be helpful besides being a distraction. After all, we write what we know. Somewhere in our writing, that knowledge sneaks in and it is imparted to our readers.
You need to make a deal with your inner voice. There must be a set time for your popular fiction writing and a time for the other, perhaps less serious, writing. Set the limits and tell your inner voice to wait its turn.
Susan,
Thank you, as always, for your encouraging words!
Hugs,
Tamara
@Tracy - You are such a wonderful support and good friend. Thank you!
@Drifter - I am slowly talking the nay-saying voice down!
@Corina - Thanks for your wise and understanding words.
I really think that I am making progress on feeling more sure of myself. I love writing more and more each day! ;-)
I had a very, very similar voice that used to attack me about my writing. I realized exactly where it came from, too (my mother). When I talk back to that stuff, I don't consider it a part of myself talking to me - I don't address a part of myself. I address my mother's stupid and toxic ideas. Which gives me A LOT of leeway to tell her crap to shut the eff up.
Ethereal Highway,
Funny, I was just thinking about that a couple of days ago. Yes, I can hear a lot of my parents in that critical voice. Try as I might, those old tapes still want to play especially if I am feeling vulnerable. I am working to reach a place of just enjoying the writing and letting go of the fear and judgment!
Warmly,
Tamara
I've struggled with this, too, at various points in my life when I've been both well & depressed, both doing something "noble" and doing not much at all.
Don't second guess your intuition, is what I have to say about this. We've been socialized as women to be "doing" all the time, and not "being." Novel-writing for you, I imagine, is more of a "being" activity and occupation, so I'm not surprised doubts play across your mind.
New self-talk is what I had to learn.
Thanks, WC. Yes, I think novel writing is a "being" state for me. Which is wonderful! However, you are right, I was raised to be a "doer" so being does not always feel safe and comfortable. It is more fun when I allow myself to experience it, though! ;-)
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