Blanket of Lace

Cherry blossoms fall all around
covering the grass, they grace the ground.

Does the grass say, “remove your weight from me?
You don’t belong here, go back to your tree.”

Or, does the grass revel in the cool embrace
as a cherry blossom blanket of lace

protects its blades from the blazing sun
sheltering its green beauty ‘til the day is done?

And, when the pink blanket lifts on an evening breeze
does the grass whisper softly, “come again, if you please?”

Fear of Writing the Unknown

I have been both conservative in my writing and stuck. The realization suddenly struck that, maybe, these two go hand in hand.

When I say conservative, I mean that I am afraid to step out and write what I don’t know. If I am not familiar with the setting, certain plot points, characters line of work, or whatever else I would need to research in order to write, then I am afraid to write it. This fear is that someone will call me on a mistake I have made because my research was not thorough enough or I somehow made an error in factual information.

So, I have been playing it safe and I have been stuck. This stuckness, I believe, is because playing it safe is no fun. I have a strong feeling that my stories are a bit flat because I am not stepping outside of my own reality. I feel at times I would be more comfortable writing a memoir because no one can argue that it isn’t my story. However, I don’t want to write a memoir, I want to write fiction. Good fiction. Interesting and engaging fiction.

Now that I realize why I am stuck, I must discern how I am going to find the courage to unstick myself and write the unknown.

Am I alone, or does anyone else deal with this same fear? What are your other fears?

All of This Am I

I finished NaNo just in time for Thanksgiving. I am excited to begin the rewrite process. However, before doing that, I am catching up on cleaning house, ignored correspondence, reading all of your wonderful blogs and myriad other things I let slide for the month.

I hope you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving Day! I am thankful for each and every one of you and cherish the friendship you offer.

Here is a little poem for your Turkey Day enjoyment!


All of This I am

Who am I?
I asked the wind.
It blew and blew and blew...
and then
on a cloudless day I asked the sky -
please, please tell me
Who am I?

The sun set and
day melted to night
I looked up to ask the stars
Who am I?

I asked the trees, I asked the earth.
Surely, somewhere I could find my worth.

I listened to the snow softly kissing the ground.
I listened to wild animals all around.

Then one day in a lake mirror smooth,
I saw my reflection and somehow I knew...

I am the wind, I am the sky
I am the stars, the trees am I
I am the snow softly kissing the ground
I am the wild animals all around.

There exists no boundary where I end
and where everything else begins.

I take a deep breath flinging my arms wide
so thankful to know -
All of This am I.

The Wind

Trees bend their weight with the wind.
It pauses...they straighten and then
they bend and bend and bend
never knowing when it will end
or when the wind will come again.

I wrote this poem after the really strong winds we had last night. I was sitting and looking out the window at the trees. After it was written, I realized that it is an allegory for how I feel about my chronic pain and illness. The pain is what it is and will be with me until it isn’t any longer. I have managed to delink the pain from suffering. It is possible to have joy alongside pain.

Fibromyalgia

Clothes hurt skimming over skin,
muscles ache deep within.
Forecast calls for clouds and rain,
another day of fibro pain.
The weather once was my friend...
sun, rain, snow and then
from out of nowhere this illness came.
Now barometric pressure rules the day.

The Wolf

These aches and pains will they ever cease?
All the drugs should kill the beast...
this wolf inside with his teeth bared,
with this wolf my body I share.
He’s become an unwelcome guest
and day after day I do my best
to remember that I am not this disease.
But these aches and pains will the ever cease?

Trick or Treat

As October breathes its final breath,
young ones don their scary dress
to run door to door laughing with glee
shouting the words “trick or treat.”

Home they head toting bags of treasure,
to sit on the floor and eye with pleasure
piles of candy and goodies to eat
earned with a trick on All Hallows’ Eve.

The Quiet Little Girl

From out of the depths of my soul it does come
and into the abyss of emotions I plunge.
Word after word falling on the page
pouring out emotions of love, fear and rage.

My hand and pen guided by a force unknown.
My mind completely immersed in the flow
of feelings that shock as they’re ripped from inside,
naked and truthful I can no longer hide
behind the facade of the quiet little girl
all the memories begin to unfurl.

Releasing the Pain Mindfully

Pain cells screaming head to toe
muscle cramps won’t let go
Suffering, suffering from this pain
grant me courage for another way

pain is an event within the body
suffering’s the name given it emotionally

but a way of life called mindfulness
allows the experience of pain to be less
Let it go, let it go...detach from the pain
It’s just a sensation, don’t give it a name

Look all around at what you see
a flower, a bird, a sunrise, a tree
stay in this moment, in this now
releasing the pain, this is how

I have been using Mindfulness Meditation and living in the Now to help with my pain. Why didn’t I learn this years ago? It really does make a difference.

If anyone else is dealing with chronic pain, I would be happy to explain more of how it works. Feel free to email me at tamara(at)desiretoheal(dot)com.

Who Am I?

Who am I meant to be?
A question worthy of pondering.
Was I placed on this earth for a reason?
If so, what is it, I’m wondering.

The things that I do feel frivolous;
certainly not worthy of merit.
If I have a higher purpose,
I sure wish God would share it.

It seems I walk through my days
stitching minute up tight to minute.
Hours fly by in a flash
What have I got to show for it?

If it isn’t yet quite clear to you,
then I will shout it as loud as I can...
I don’t have the faintest idea
who the hell I am.

People Pleasing

This morning I looked in the mirror and had the thought that I am going to be 47 next year. That is getting dang close to 50!

I asked myself how much longer I am going to live my life so concerned about what others think of me and what I do. Do I really want to leave this planet having run in circles trying to please everyone else and never having done what makes me truly happy? And, by the way, what the heck does make me truly happy?

It is time for me to make a choice of how I am going to live my life. I am carrying too many layers of people-pleasing that keep me from knowing what my true passion is.

I love writing novels. However, I tie myself in knots worrying about whether that is a worthwhile purpose. I also find myself too concerned with the subject matter of my novels instead of just freely writing what wants to be written.

My other interests are gluten free cooking, reading, painting and working towards my theology degree. Where in there am I giving back to the world? This is a question that plagues me.

I think all people-pleasers must have trouble knowing what their true passion or purpose in life is. I think it is difficult to sort out what we are doing for ourselves and what we are doing for the approval of others. It is absolutely right to care about the feelings of others. It is the opinion of others that shouldn’t weigh so heavily in decisions pleasers make.

I will be spending some quality time with these questions over the next few days. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Fall Leaves

I was looking at the trees yesterday and feeling sorry for the leaves that grow all spring and summer just to die in the fall.


A few yellow leaves dust the ground
all the rest can still be found
tenaciously clinging to their limbs
hoping for no strong winds
to send them floating to the earth
where composting becomes all they’re worth.

I Am Complete

The cool breeze blows through my hair;
the birds are singing and the trees are budding.
All around nature reaches out to touch me.
Nothing disturbs the sounds of nature
except for my shoes hitting the concrete.
My stride is long as I run along the highway of life.
I am alone and it feels good.
I am happy with myself and filled with peace and tranquility.
As I cross a bridge, I reflect on emotional bridges I have crossed
and remember all the pillars that supported me.
I am free as the wind.
I alone control my destiny.
I choose to sing like the birds and bud like the trees.
I become a pillar to help the next person over the bridges of life.
I am complete.

Stuff and Such

I thought an update might be in order since I haven’t posted for a bit.

First, my lupus and fibromyalgia have been flaring and the pain is not leaving me a lot of typing time beyond working on my novel. I am trying to stick to a schedule of rewriting a chapter a day. So far, I am fairly close to that goal but I have to type for small spaces of time and then take a rest before I can type more. Thank goodness I have the flexibility to do this. I did consider voice recognition software but I just can’t speak my story. There is something magical that happens when I put my fingers on the keyboard.

I just finished rereading my first five chapters and I feel like something is missing. The prose is a bit boring. I have a feeling that I need to spice it up a bit either with better description or wittier dialogue. Maybe both? It is something I feel I need to get a handle on before I proceed any further in my rewrite.

Good news is that this morning we had Online Northwest install wireless internet access. We live in the country and until now have had satellite since cable and DSL are not available to us. It looks like Online Northwest will just about double our internet speed. This is going to make online life so much more fun. The installation guy was wonderful. Our house is so surrounded by trees that he could not get a signal from a dish mounted on our house. So, he installed it up in one of our trees. So far, it is working great!

I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) a couple of days ago. If any of my readers are Wrimos and want to find me, my username is TCStaples. I am very excited for November 1st and beginning work on my new novel. If my pain calms down a bit, I would love to bump my rewrite to two chapters a day and try to finish my current WIP before beginning the new one. If not, I will try to manage both at once if I am able.

That is about all the news from me. I hope that your writing is going wonderfully and that you are enjoying some beautiful fall weather.

Tales of Your Day

My dear,
shall I poor you a glass
of your favorite red wine?
You can regale me with
tales of your day.
No wine for me,
thank you.
I will drink in your words
and become intoxicated
at the thought of having a life
worthy of discussion.

Point of View

What a difference a point of view makes. In all of the analyzing of my novel and dealing with my fears about writing, there was still something that was keeping me stuck. I couldn’t quite figure it out. I love my story and I love my characters. However, something just wasn’t working.

It finally hit me yesterday. I needed to be writing in first person from the point of view of my female protagonist. How could I have missed this for over a year? It now seems so obvious. She is in every scene. One of the most important elements of the novel is the way she grows and changes in the face of tragedy and the revealing of unspeakable family secrets. For this to happen, I really need to get inside her head. I need to be able to share her thoughts, feelings and fears. I now see I can do this so much more effectively in first person.

This has turned around the entire way I am telling the story. It allows me to more quickly get to the precipitating event that begins to bring the secrets into the light.

I have a lot of work ahead of me but I am re-energized about the book. This is going to seriously mess up my schedule for completing it especially given that I have to pull off soon and complete my outline for this year’s NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) that begins November 1st. I am hoping that I can juggle them both and write the new novel in the mornings and work on the old in the afternoons. Since I have never tried working on two at once before, I don’t know if this will pan out, or not.

In the meantime, I will get as far as I can on converting my current novel to first person. I have trashed the old prologue and written a new one this morning. I like it so much better and I think it is more likely to grab the reader right away.

Letting Fear Go

I subscribe to a daily message from Neale Donald Walsch and just received this one in my email. It is so apropos to what I have been feeling lately that I had to share it! I have a feeling that I am not the only one that could benefit from this message today.

On this day of your life, Tamara, I believe God wants you to know...
 
...that it is never safe to look into the future with eyes
of fear.
 
Edward H.Harriman said that, and he was right. Nothing
is fearful lest thinking make it so. I can honestly say that
probably 95% of the things I was afraid of, it turned out
I had no reason to be. 
 
And even if the thing you fear happens...so what? Again,
95% of the time your world is not going to fall apart, your
life will not be in danger. So drop fear by the wayside.
Just... let it go. Then make way for a surprising tomorrow.

 

A Very Irritating Trait

One of the most frustrating struggles I have within myself is always feeling like I should be doing something more noble with my time. This is seriously getting in the way of my creativity and novel writing. Not only must I quiet that critical voice that tells me I can’t write worth a damn. But, I also have to deal with the voice that says I shouldn’t be writing novels in the first place. This voice feels I should be writing some type of “helpful” nonfiction versus frivolous fiction.

In attempting to reason with this judgmental part of myself, I remind it that reading novels was one of the things that saw me through a difficult childhood. Novels have been where I turned through the years when I needed a break from stressful jobs or relationships. Novels have provided me hours of enjoyment and comfort. However, the voice yammers on.

On top of being quite annoying, I think the voice is causing a low level depression because I am constantly dealing with this inner turmoil and cannot just enjoy writing my novel. I waste numerous hours going off on what-I-should-be-doing tangents instead of being productive with my writing time.

The final kicker is that the voice feels that, if I am going to insist on writing fiction then, I should be writing literary versus popular fiction. I prefer reading popular fiction most of the time and I prefer writing popular fiction. Therefore, writing literary fiction is not an option.

It seems that I must always make life more difficult for myself. It is a very irritating trait!

The Joy of Unexplained Pain

For the last two or three years, I have been getting stabbing pains in the middle joint of my middle finger on my left hand. The pain lasts a few seconds but it is so bad that it takes my breath and gives me chills all over my body. I asked my doctor on Maui about it once and he didn’t have any explanation. Sometimes it happens a few times a day but then it will go weeks and not do it at all.

About a month ago I had the same kind of pain in my left knee. It happened a few times within one day and has not returned. Then, about two weeks ago, I began having the same pain in my right foot. Again, it happened a few times and went away. However, this time I decided it was time to get myself to a rheumatologist. I have not seen a rheumatologist since we moved from California about ten years ago. My family doctor has been able to manage my lupus and fibromyalgia and there was not a rheumatologist on Maui anyway. I have an appointment with a doctor in Portland in a couple of weeks.

This morning, the stabbing pain began in my foot and lasted for over two hours. I didn’t think a pain pill would really work but took one anyway. It did nothing. I had stabbing pains that hurt so bad for over two hours that I my stomach was upset and I had constant chill bumps all over my body. After two plus hours, it all of the sudden stopped. It is the strangest thing and I have no idea what is going on.

I did try to get my appointment with the new doc moved up but no dice. I am on a waiting list if he has a cancellation. For now, I am pain free. However, it left me exhausted and my brain is fried. Here’s hoping the pain doesn’t return before the 24th which is when I see the new rheumatologist.

Simi Apologizes

Simi, our 8 month old puppy, seems to be experiencing the doggie equivalent of the terrible-twos. Undoubtedly our utter lack of discipline is at the core of this problem. We are in the process of re-establishing ourselves as owners and rulers of the house.

Simi is in the process of atoning for her "little" indiscretion as evidenced by the photo below.

Time Untethered

The time between dusk and dawn is my favorite time of day.
I love the nighttime hours when the sun has gone away.
As the moon slips quietly from its home behind a cloud.
Dropping into peaceful slumber, what will I dream about?
Will I dance upon the air or perform acrobatic feats,
that in the light of day would be impossible for me?
Will I travel to heaven to give my grandma and grandpa a hug?
Or, visit others I have lost and remind them of my love?
In this time untethered, whatever I choose to do,
I hope it makes me smile come morning... as the sun slides into view.

Someone Stole My Breasts

This poem was inspired by a post my friend Corina wrote. I was so self conscious about my size, or lack thereof, for years. All I can say is thank God you don’t always get what you pray for when you are young!

Someone stole the breasts that I was meant to have.
Or, maybe in chest size, I took after my dad.
Year after year, I waited for them to appear,
they are still so small I don’t need a brassiere.
I can run down the street with nary a bounce.
They probably weigh less than an ounce.
Sagging is something that will never effect me.
No, my breasts will never hang down to my knees.
So, concerning the breasts I never had,
I guess the good outweighs the bad.
To whoever is walking around with my breasts:
you can keep them ‘cuz I am happy with my chest!

The Truth About Worrying

Embrace life like you will never die.
Ground your feet on the earth but reach for the sky.
Laugh like worries don’t exist.
Enjoy your health like you’ll never be sick.

Yes, there may come a day
when shadows paint your life with gray.
But, to anticipate these times of bad,
will paste pallor over the good you have.

You won’t be any more prepared
than if you’d been caught unaware.
All worrying ever really does
is distract you from the joy that was.

My Dream - A Poem

I didn’t go to college or earn a degree.
I didn’t join a company and become a VP.
I’m not a doctor, lawyer or teacher.
I’m not an actress, athlete or preacher.
But, I have a dream deep inside,
and from others this dream I hide.
I want to be a writer weaving words together;
I want to write novels that are bound in leather.
I struggle on from day to day
trying to understand what I have to say.
What I write now comes out in rhyme;
but, I certainly hope there will be a time
when my inner novelist finally breaks free
plotting stories that you can’t wait to read.